833: babai for now

i want to move my blog (again). i want to move my blog because i am feeling very restless. the excitement of a new address and design and possibly blogging engine (!! :D but it’s not like i haven’t tried probably all the *free* engines there are already..)

MOST OF ALL, I WANT TO MOVE MY BLOG BECAUSE I THINK THAT I AM BEING SLOWLY DEGRADED INTO SOMEBODY WHO WRITES ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY EMO RUBBISH.

do i hear the haters saying that moving to another blog won’t make me write better? screw you.

(sorry i couldn’t come up with a better comeback -_- HAHAH)

ANYWAY.

i have come to the conclusion that my best posts are written when i am feeling particularly bitchy or unnaturally frank. HOWEVER, i cannot be bitchy/frank/sarcastic because i have to watch what i write. and when i want to say what i cannot say i end up being all cryptic. and i cannot be openly cryptic (oxymoron, duh) without resorting to very generic and emo phrases and statements. like this, from one of my very recent posts:

I know how it’s like. I’ve never felt what you felt – and I’m sorry that you have to feel that way. I’ve never felt anything close to what you’ve been feeling but what I felt was enough to crush me and make me feel like going to sleep and not waking up again. What I felt was enough to make me want to destroy everything in my life and walk away from it all and to sit in a corner and cry.

like omg la. quite pretentious la can. bleargh.

and THIS.

I talk of butterflies being crushed. I’d never have thought that I would ever end up being that butterfly.

and THIS

Am I happy that you’re happy? Not yet, but I know that I will be, one day. Because you, more than anybody, deserve to finally be truly happy.

ok i am going to stop because i am making myself sick.

i tried to look for some better pieces of writing but all of them are either too blatant or too vulgar (HAHAHA) and/or too incriminating.

and i guess it’s really what it is.

i am sorry that i have not mastered the art of truly skillful writing (although i’m not actually sure who i’m apologising to, this is my blog after all…) and i admit that this is a pretty lame excuse for copping out. but i simply cannot be myself here anymore (cheh speaking like a lot of people read my blog HAHA. whatever la give me my 5 mins of delusional fame can) and it shouldn’t feel like this because what good is a blog if you can’t express yourself on it? why should i continue blogging if every word i type is subject to scrutiny and every statement carefully picked apart, (mis)analysed and distorted? why should i be held accountable for (okla i mean those were my words so i memang should be held accountable for them to a certain extent) what certain things i have written mean?

i don’t blog because i want to end up editing and protecting my posts in fear of repercussions. i don’t blog because i want to explain myself to you (after i hit “publish”). i blog because i am actually also very narcissistic and want the world to know what i’m thinking. HAHA. and because i can be bitchy and write about other people who annoy me and share my opinions with other like-minded people like tansweeleen. HAHAHAHA. and also because i like the way my pictures look on my blog after i put them up. :D it makes me feel very good and somewhat slightly more professional than i actually am. ok i am going to stop praising myself. most of all, i blog because i like reading (most of) my writing. i feel like i can relate to what i read (HAHAHA DUH COS I WROTE THEM but you don’t get what i mean la cos i am being semi ironic/humourous here, lawl) and i find myself less and less capable of doing that as i reread my most recent entries. i cannot relate to anything if all i am reading are sentences so heavily encrypted that i cannot remember what/who i was talking about and emoness so thick and cliched that all i want to do is to slap myself for writing. -_-

more importantly, i cannot relate to anything if i constantly feel manipulated. i cannot relate to something that i didn’t want to (not) write in the first place. i cannot live with anybody dictating the content on my blog.

(and yes i realise that i do sound a little dramatic HAHAH sorry dramatic writing is my forte. :D)

this is no good at all.

is it weird if i said something like rereading my past entries makes me feel less “alone” because it’s as though “somebody else” has gone through the same shit as i have…?

i suppose it would be slightly twisted.

and it wouldn’t make a whole lotta sense.

haha.

ok. anyway. so i am hereby annoucing (another) hiatus lasting for an indefinite period of time. (hahaa see la later i end up blogging here again tomorrow. LOL. but highly unlikely la cos i am really very sien liao.)

oh look ok i found an attempt at haiku:

ETERNAL SUMMER

Outside my garden
A lone tree weeps, silently.
A leaf falls, teardrop.

hahaha. inspired by a tree outside my garden.  HAHAHAH. ok i must stop this lameness.

ok then. bye for now.

(i’ll probably blog one more entry about my new laptop <3 in about 2 weeks’ time i suppose. other than that… i think i’ll just go somewhere else. :) lalalala. YAY FOR FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION! YAY TO THE END OF MINDGAMES AND MANIPULATION! YAY FOR LIBERATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wth -_-)

heehee. HAVE A GOOD LIFE PEOPLE. i sure as (bleep) will. ;)

PS. i honestly also suspect that all of this is happening also because i am a rather easily excitable being. -_- i cannot just dump my blog after 5 years! homg has it been 5 years. O_O CANNOT LAH I CANNOT TAHAN ALREADY I MUST DO SOMETHING WITH SOMETHING. and this time, the blog has to go (again). lmao. ok bye.

832: braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

there would be a much more substantial (i’ve been using this word a lot lately, lol) post here if it were not for this:

zombies from the “future”! HAHA.

hello, my name is michelle (chorus: hi michelle!) and i am a plants vs zombies addict. plants vs zombies has been the focus of my life for the past three days and i am leaving my zen garden on in the background as i type. i have just gotten a snail for my garden! :D (polite applause)

i find farming money while playing the last stand a productive waste of time. i find the decapitation of zombies therapeutic to look at and i love it when the newspaper zombie loses his paper and looks up quizzically, with a question mark above his head, just a few microseconds before his head pops off. i find myself staring at my screen as my gloom-shrooms and garlic and tall-nuts and magnets destroy wave after wave after wave of zombies.

i used to be addicted to beghouled and i would be playing that instead of the last stand but it got boring after a while because i realised that the most i could was only to upgrade all my wall-nuts and peashooters and puff-shrooms and get 75 matches.

however, i realise that i cannot go on like this and i am going to stop being so obsessed with plants vs zombies. i promise that i will not stare at the screen as i farm money during the last stand and only check it periodically while i do something else that is truly productive like read a (real) book in case my garlic needs replacing.

thank you.

-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. omg so can die. HAHAHA.

i just grew a tree of wisdom and i realised that i didn’t actually have to waste like 10k + (multiples of) 2.5k to get a piece of advice ben could have just given me for FREE. -_-

okla i am going to sleep. -_-

PS. actually not bad lo the formation that i’m using (okla ben thought of it cos i suck at like strategising and planning – NONETHELESS MY HIGHEST STREAK FOR ENDLESS I, ZOMBIE IS 7 AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT. heehee.) – i get about 5k+ each game…

PPS. if anybody who plays plants vs zombies reads this and has a better way of farming, pleaaaaaaaase tell meeeeee :D :D :D

831: album cover sleeve

Talked to my first psychiatry patient today.

I know how it’s like. I’ve never felt what you felt – and I’m sorry that you have to feel that way. I’ve never felt anything close to what you’ve been feeling but what I felt was enough to crush me and make me feel like going to sleep and not waking up again. What I felt was enough to make me want to destroy everything in my life and walk away from it all and to sit in a corner and cry.

I’ve never felt anything close to what you’ve been feeling.

I hope you get better.

(haha don’t worry Caca I AM OKLA hahahaha. :P)

-

I am very sorry that I have come to the conclusion that I cannot write everything I want to write in this blog anymore (and it has nothing to do with you Caca, you’ve been really cool about this blog and thanks lots for your support heehee <3 :D) and that is very sad.

Now I can’t write about the main problem in my life because of aforementioned paragraph and this post no longer has any point.

Haha ok nevermind I try.

-

It has been a very chaotic weekend and I learned something new every day. I learned of love and I learned of trust and I learned of betrayal and I learned of friendship and bonds that may be broken again and again but not forever. I learned of the hidden friend who has been there all the time and no matter what, I learned of the friend who becomes the star that no longer shines in my sky. I learned of the people I love and no longer love, and I learned of the people I wish I (never) stopped loving. I learned that you have no say in who you are, and that somebody will always have to say sorry for something they have not done wrong (like this: I am sorry that you have to help me pick at my old wounds and let them bleed so that I will come to my senses and not make the same mistakes again). I learned of the tears that come with misunderstanding and the dread of what lies in the future (based – wrongly – on experience), and I learned that screaming into your pillow, even if only for a short while, will leave you with a very sore throat. And that things should never be left to the last minute (HAHA), and that I am surprisingly capable of extreme productivity. HAHAHAHA. I learned that things really do turn out for the best, and that the best kind of friend is the kind that will step up to the occasion and challenge you to do something they know you can do, and not the kind who makes excuses for you.

It’s no wonder I was knackered when I came back to Cupar. HAHAHAHAHA.

(I’m laughing a little too much…)

-

I talk of butterflies being crushed. I’d never have thought that I would ever end up being that butterfly.

-

I just finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey yesterday (hey I rhymed!). I would say that I think that it should be made recommended reading for every student who is on their Psychiatry block. It has changed my perspective on a lot of things, and it has made me stop approaching patients with a metaphoric ten foot pole between them and me. You might think that you don’t do things like that, but I’ll tell you that you’re probably wrong.

(and the book isn’t a soppy feel good book that has a happy ending that warms your heart. It’s actually quite the opposite. One should try reading the part about him pulling off his toenail while having lunch. I am rather impressed that I managed to finish what was on my plate – albeit while feeling like throwing up – while reading it.)

-

Am I happy that you’re happy? Not yet, but I know that I will be, one day. Because you, more than anybody, deserve to finally be truly happy.

-

At least I have things to look forward to: THE LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE IN LESS THAN 4 WEEKS HOMGGGGGGGG  HEEEEHEHEHEEEEEE :D :D :D :D

And thennnnnnnnn K coming overrrrrrrrrr less than 4 weeks after THAT!!!! Aiyer I don’t care la we’re going to have our super overdue emotalk at some random place la. Or okla if you dowan to emotalk then I will just talk to myself and you can like drink coffee or do something else boring and stare into space HAHA.

-

Have just started watching 30 Rock. And I think that JACK DONAGHY AND LIZ LEMON SO TOTALLY BELONG TOGETHER. :D but having said that, I think that Jack is quite sweet when he is with CC… :)

-

ok i think i have said what i can say out of the things i actually want to say without really saying anything, and i should like go to sleep so i can maybe clerk another patient tomorrow morning… whee!

PS. hahaha thanks caca for your comment, am VERY flattered! :D and hello jing! i am very surprised that you still read my blog! :)

830: sigh.

let me tell you a tale of the girl who bit off more than she could chew.

she decided to stop eating forever

and died.

(willingly)

-

even the perpetually giving get tired of giving and need to take sometimes.

829: I’ve got mail.

Dear Michelle,

Welcome back to the Real World. Again.

We hope that you are looking into applying for Permanent Residence this time, as we are very concerned for your welfare and are very aware of the toll commuting between the Real World and The One in Your Head is taking on your mental and emotional health.

We understand that certain… events have left you rather… unraveled but please trust us when we say with confidence that you will be Bouncing Back in no Time.

You might find the Real World slightly more abrasive than you would like and perhaps you’d like to take another long Vacation away from your true Home but we Strongly Advise against that as Running Away from the Real World never does anybody any Good. We have had Reports of certain people leaving against our Advice and we can assure you that there are no Happy Endings for these Absconders.

Having said that, we, however, cannot guarantee you a Happy Ending. These are very hard to come by and are practically unheard of now. However, if you do strike the Lottery of Happy Endings, you can be sure that the Happy Ending that you get is Real and Tangible and does not only exist as a Figment of your Imagination.

Wouldn’t you Want that?

On a more Serious note, we would also like your Attention regarding certain… Matters that have to be Settled. There is one thing that we would like to say to you in this Letter today and this is it:

You happen to be a Sucker who was at the Wrong Place at a Wrong Time and although none of this is really your Fault, you are still a Sucker. You are the Sucker who has the short end of the Stick and we are Sorry but you are now here to redeem your Prize. The metaphoric Medal of Suckerdom.

Feel free to drop by for the collection of your Medal.

The Documents required for the application for Permanent Residence may also be collected at the same time.

Thank you for your Time and Cooperation.

As they say in colloquial English, ” So long, Sucka!”

Yours sincerely
The Real World

PS. We hope that Medical School is treating you well. It’s the only thing about you that doesn’t seem to Suck.

Protected: 828: three words which i never seem to remember.

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827: Psychiatry, day 1.

I have just had my first day of (non-) Psychiatry and I already have much more to say about it than I have about my previous blocks.

I don’t even know where to start!

Woke up at 0630 hrs today. Arrived at TheHospital (am not mentioning which one HAHA – and no it’s not NW, duh.) at about 0845 hrs. Sat in the doctors’ office

no. this will not do.

-

I don’t know what to feel. It has been exciting, intimidating, intriguing, interesting, frustrating and confusing, all at once.

(although i seemed to have had a longer list in my head earlier on when i was sorta drafting this post)

imagine this. you are “let loose” (haha) in an oldschool mental hospital (the kind which is sprawled over a very big compound, has different wards in different buildings, and has quite a few old buildings which are scheduled for demolition) with close to (this was supposed to be struck out, the net is so slow i cannot even edit my post properly) no knowledge of psychiatry whatsoever, and with no clue of what you’re supposed to be doing or where you’re supposed to be. you are in a foreign town and there are no familiar faces around. you do not have the alarm that your previous friends who underwent their psychiatry blocks were given before they officially started their posting. You have no car, and you have to walk to the main block from your grotty little cottage which is located literally at the edge of the hospital grounds. You don’t know if the man standing by the street smoking a cigarette while staring at you walk past is a patient, and you feel exposed.

Now i sound like i’m whining. -_-

Scratch all that.

-

I have met two psychiatrists so far, and they have very… distinct personalities. :D

I think that i will fit in very well if i were to end up being a psychiatrist somewhere in the not so near future.

Although the rest of my batch in medical school will probably end up scoffing at me behind my back and saying things like “hahah i knew she would end up being a psychiatrist, she was horribly weird to begin with anyway, LOL”

But whatever la i suppose. If it were to come to a tradeoff between having the “respect” and “recognition” of my peers and doing what makes me happy i’d choose the latter.

Surprising, because i’ve always been the kind who quite bothered what other people thought of me to begin with. I guess one grows out of it as soon as one is plucked out from one’s comfort zone and put into a totally alien territory where people think you’re weird just because you weren’t born and bred there.

I don’t know. Here i am thinking of becoming a psychiatrist because i can be myself and still be accepted as “normal” (HAHA HOW IRONIC), but i may not necessarily like the work psychiatrists do. But it was very interesting listening to the types of patients that are on the wards…

I guess i’ll know better after going for a ward round tomorrow afternoon. These ward rounds are apparently supposed to last for 2-3 hours. Glee! :D

Maybe i DID know what i was doing when i decided to base my fourth year project on psychiatry. HAHA.

Things DO happen for a reason. HAHA.

-_-

Ok as you can see i have lost my interest in writing this post.

SEE YOU SOON

babai

ps. btw a short note to all the future medical personnel who are already secretly snubbing me in your snobbish and elitist manner (but i suppose you’d take that as a compliment – i know i would lol -_-): i hope you have fun being a dead fish without a personality in whatever specialty you’re thinking of pursuing.

pps. ok that was a bit to presumptuous on my part. ok whatever.

826: we regret to announce

that there are two people (who are not family) who can practically do no wrong.

we also regret to inform you that you are one of them.

-_-

My Milk Toof: so cute you’ll just spontaneously combust. :D

<3

825: decisions

i am still wary. somewhat.

things seem like they are normal. somewhat.

this the question at the back of my mind  -

are there walls involved this time round?

(because if they are i’d like to know please, and i’d like to stop playing immediately)

824: the cure

I guess it all boils down to how much certain things matter.

I actually think that there is a quota for things like these, it’s sorta like how the (for the lack of a better word) “friendship” you’ve accumulated over the period of time you’ve been friends becomes an emergency reserve – a buffer, if you will, for all the rough patches. Friends don’t just stop being friends anymore every time an argument pops up because you end up dipping into the friendship “fund” and sustaining what’s left of the friendship (at that moment) with what’s available.

One day that fund is going to run empty…

… and you’re going to feel that you just cannot go on anymore, and this is when you start saying your goodbyes.

well okla i suppose you can still try to run on an empty tank. but it’s not going to be a joyride.

those are the ones that suck you dry and leave you feeling drained and sien and dreadful.

(these are the friendships i maintain out of courtesy and paisehness more than anything else, and i’ve just about had enough -_-)

-

anyway k and i are talking again, so yay?

HAHA.

(i’m not typing anymore cos he reads here pfft :P)

-

okla i dowan emo liao.