*longest post ever, 2,662 words!*

Wah. O.O

[Disclaimer: I suggest you read only if:

1. You are Jing/ anybody who is willing to spare some time to remotely take an interest in my life
2. You want to know about stuff that actually happens in my quite-rarely-talked- about- family
3. You are in med school
4. You’ve been thinking that I’ve ALWAYS *genuinely* wanted to be a doctor.
5. You want to know the ACTUAL, un-censored-to-be-politically-correct reason of me being in med school today.

Other than that you’ll probably just grunt in boredom and impatience and just give up halfway. (Which I would take to be an insult, because I’ve been blogging with the most semangat I’ve had in quite some time.)]

I’ve blogged about irrationality before, but it’s reached an all-time high today.

Here I am, at 0138 hrs, typing an entry on Microsoft Word because I can no longer suppress what I am feeling now.

-_- [Yes, I know that many other people type entries in Word and save them until they have internet access and thus this already renders my notion of “blogging entries in Word and saving them = irrational” invalid. Yes. I know.]

As many people would know [and if they didn’t, they will now], I come from a family of doctors. My parents were [um. Are.] docs. My sis too. My uncles and aunties, both maternal AND paternal, are either teachers OR doctors, every single one of them.

I KNOW. I find it very cool too.

When I had the acquired ability of speech, people started asking me what I wanted to do when I grew up. [I suspect they were trying to get their dose of entertainment a la Kids Say the Darndest Things. -_-] I didn’t know. Childhood occupational fantasies included joining the police or fire brigade [I suspect it was due to the “cool” uniforms that came with the job -_-]. The closest I had ever come to wanting to be in the medical line was thinking about being a dentist.

When I was a wee bit older, I started saying that I wanted to be a doctor because everybody started implying that I should be one.

W: Wah, your Papa and Mama and Jie Jie are doctors, so you also sure be doctor wan lah!
X: Become doctor lah, then whole family doctor, so nice!
Y: Why think so long? I know you sure want to be doctor wan la, see your Papa and Mama become doctors!
Z: Don’t think already la, be doctor very good wan, see your Papa and Mama!

Etc etc.

I then also noticed that “I want to be a doctor” was the “right” answer when the question was popped.

See, I was already so politically correct at such a young age. Haha.

And I stuck with it, although at that time I really didn’t want to do medicine and I started thinking that medicine was boring because everybody kept talking about it and I kept hearing the same things about it over and over and over AND OVER again and again and again.

Then I grew older again [Ha.] and my parents were already quite convinced that I would be wielding a stethoscope in years to come. They started thinking about my MEDICAL future. [Mind you, this was even before I entered Standard 3!!!] They had now instilled the idea that I should specialize. They had also chosen my field of specialization for me.

-_-

They had somehow decided that I should be a Heart Specialist.

I was too young to be able to understand or pronounce the word “Cardiologist” la. Haiyo.

And at that time, although I found hearts utterly boring, I saw how proud they were when they so bersemangat-ly proclaimed me a future heart specialist in front of friends and relatives. The friends and relatives, in turn, were rather impressed with my oh-so-bright-already-future.

So I started telling everybody [friends and relatives that my parents had yet to inform] that I wanted to be a heart specialist of my own accord.

Random friend/relative: What do you want to be next time?
Young me: A heart specialist!
Random friend/relative: Wahh!!! Good good!! Very good!! *proud
and impressed smile*

It felt good la. But at the same time I somehow knew that I WOULDN’T grow up to be somebody who specialized in hearts, so boring!!!

After a few [quite agonizing] years, the heart specialist heart talk took a rest because I think my parents knew that I wasn’t really serious in becoming one and the whole thing was kinda like a running-but-not-so-funny joke.

My mom specialized in public health [Haha, I can predict the reactions of SOME of the people who will be reading *evil grin*] and was working with the Ministry of Health then.

She is now working somewhere much cooler [metaphorically and sometimes literally], doing something EVEN cooler! :D

At first I was confused because I thought doctors worked in hospitals and saved patients hands-on. As far as I knew, my mom sat in an office and didn’t see any patients.

Therefore this conversation took place quite often

Young me: Pa, what does Mami do?
Dad: She’s a doctor what, you don’t know meh?
Young me: Haiyo, I know lah! But she never work in hospital wan wor, got doctors just sit in office wan meh? She never see patients also wan…
Dad: Who say cannot? Mami is in public health, she no need go hospital wan…
Young me: Oh. Then what she do in the office?
Dad: She does administrative stuff and thinks of how to prevent diseases and all that lor [actually I’m not sure if he said this, but this is what he would have said if he actually replied. Hahaha!]

Little Michelle Lim, henceforth enlightened, would eventually decide that public health wouldn’t be her cup of tea if she would actually choose to become a doctor.

A few years later, Michelle Lim then went through the psychological and emotional trauma that many would call Secondary School. She still didn’t know what she wanted to be when she grew up, but she stuck [OMG. I actually typed “stook” and thought it was an actual word!!!! This is exactly like when I thought that “does” should actually be pronounced “do-s” because “she do-s her homework every day sounds better! But I’ve ALWAYS know that it’s not pronounced that way la. Duh. Tsk.] with “doctor” because it was an answer that would not demand any other questions since she was already expected to be one.

It would also be interesting to note that Michelle entered the science stream because it was expected of her AND she would do ANYTHING to avoid accounting and book keeping. She didn’t even really know anything much about the science stream EXCEPT THAT she would be safe from the two most evil subjects ever.

And art la.

She then started watching CSI and thought that it would be cool to be a forensic scientist. She also started learning Chemistry and thought it would be cool to be a chemist. For a SHORT while, she was ACTUALLY doing very well in math and thought she would make a superb mathematician. Writing and editing the school newsmagazine, she fantasized about growing up to be an author.

Why am I talking about myself as the third person? -_-

Surprisingly, she did quite badly for Biology sometimes, occasionally even worse than physics!

Which is saying A. LOT.

Wait. No. Actually Physics has ALWAYS been my suckiest subject, next to ADVANCED MATH. *rolls eyes* My only brag-worthy incident with Physics was when I aced my FIRST EVER PHYSICS EXAM IN FORM TWO BY SCORING 85 WITHOUT STUDYING.

It has been a loooong roll down a really steep hill since then. Hahah!

Independent school ma, we started learning the three sciences in mandarin since form 1 la.

I was even more confused than ever! I had friends wanting to be actors/singers/writers [Yes, I’m talking about Talia Tay] and I’ve had friends who were even MORE lost than I was [Yes, Jing, talking about you :P]. I wanted to be EVERYTHING [science-y] at the same time!!!

*shakes head* Young people nowadays, so impulsive. Haih.

After BARELY surviving secondary school, I stepped into Taylor’s College and registered for 5 subjects [ Bio, Chem, Physics, Math and Thinking Skills which was compulsory.]

This was when my interests were further defined.

I realized that I Hated physics. With a capital H.

I realized that there will ALWAYS be geniuses that would forever be beyond my reach for math BUT I also realized that I would have HAD the potential to be one of them if I had paid more attention to advanced math when I was in Kuen Cheng. [All the math geniuses in my class were also from independent schools!!! I tell you I find this very unfair + disappointing. I COULD’VE BEEN ONE OF THEM. I (would have already) LEARNT 70% OF THE STUFF I WAS LEARNING FOR THE _WHOLE_ OF A LEVELS!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh*]

I realized that Chemistry wasn’t all that bad, provided I understood everything and made an effort to remember all the formulae and definitions. [So beh tahan, what Henry’s law la, what partition coefficient la, what TRANSITION ELEMENTS la.. Aiyo, headache. I’ve forgotten everything! :D]

AND I REALIZED THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL

I. LOVED. BIOLOGY. TO. BITS. AND. PIECES.

My Biology results started looking more decent that they were in high school. I loved all the cheem-looking words. I loved all the mechanisms and structures and STRUCTURAL ADAPTATIONS.

I shone [maybe not as bright as people from PM1 or whatnot *rolls eyes*, but I glimmered NONETHELESS].

Wah. Sound like motivational book. -_-

I then knew that I would be doing stuff related to Bio in the future [yala, I know some people say “Bio very easy, just memorize only ma, who don’t know??!?!”, but how come I don’t see some of the people saying that scoring like supersupersuper high for Bio? Got nothing to show, don’t talk la. Go insult another subject you’re actually good at la. If there are any. Hmph.].

And then my family, knowing about my interest in Bio, were very excited because “Medicine is very like Bio!”

And I was like

“Oh, really ah? Then okay lah. I don’t think I’ll mind medicine already lah.”

And it was time for me to start applying to universities. Everybody took my “passion” for medicine for granted [i.e., they expected it to exist.]. I only applied for medicine, without Plan B.

Or C. Or D.

I was having serious doubts then. Although I nodded in acknowledgement when random friends/relatives/other doctors I talked to when I was doing my hospital attachments told me that a doctor’s life “cannot play play wan”, I wasn’t sure that this was what I really wanted.

Was I going to do something that would ruin my life because it was what everybody wanted? [Do the thing, not ruin my life.]

Was I going to waste my time and energy and my parents’ money doing something that I would eventually hate?

Was I going to just try it out for 2 weeks and then decide that I hated it and change courses? [Background: disappointed groans/sighs, grinding of teeth, hands reaching out with intentions of strangling- to the point of death, if possible]

Here’s what happened: I did it anyway. I applied for med school. I knew there was a possibility of me screwing my own life up and yet I TOLD myself that I would not drop out no matter how bad it got and I would stick with it to the end.

I’ve had people coming up to me and telling me that I was a pushover. This is by far the most pushover-y thing I have done. This it the epitome of pushover-ity.

On the other hand, my parents were telling me that if I didn’t get into IMU I wouldn’t have anywhere else to go.

One more interesting thing that I have to mention: Their enthusiasm in me becoming a doctor DID falter for a while. They were, during that period, trying to convince me to NOT be a doctor and to be an **accountant** [figuratively: die also I won’t do!!!! (touch wood)]/engineer/anything else BUT a doctor. Haha. Total reversal of character.

But after that period they were back to announcing to the whole world that our family would be a whole family of doctors.

-_-

And then I found out that IMU accepted me.

What I felt at that time wasn’t really happiness or excitement.

My dad was VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY excited though! I felt happy that at least somebody was genuinely happy for my achievements. :)

Why I felt that is another long story. -_-

On the 23rd of August, I officially became a medical student.

I didn’t feel any different.

The only words that were pushing me through everything I’ve been through so far were these words from my dad

You’re going to be a doctor. Your patients need you to know as much as you can so that you can help them. They’re trusting you with their lives.

That put things into perspective and honestly, those words are the only reason I didn’t just go “Aiyah, screw it lah!” with my normal attitude. I knew that things were serious now and I couldn’t just “screw” everything anymore.

Man. That sounds so wrong lah.

Although I realized the seriousness of the condition, I was starting to get worried. Not because I thought that I was incompetent [I KNOW that I am competent. Hmph.], but because I still couldn’t muster the passion for medicine that everyone in med school purportedly has.

90% of the people I know really want to be doctors. Victor traveled to Russia although his parents STRONGLY objected just so he could study medicine. Tjun Hoe was willing to do anything it took to switch courses from Pharmacy to Medicine. People like Ashwini [reportedly] stopping shopping sessions [believe me, it IS a big deal for her] so that she could seriously study for once and go to med school in Belfast. Ben being willing to come back to MALAYSIA [GASP!!!!!] to go to IMU [DOUBLE GASP! TRIPLE GASP! QUADRUPLE GASP!!!!!!!] to do medicine. You could see it in their eyes. They REALLY wanted it.

And this is ME [the one anybody rarely sees]:

Oh. Med school? Okay lah. Since I have nothing else I’d rather be doing anyway.

Haha. I know. It sounds like all hope is lost and Michelle is…

hopeless.

BUT…

YES, I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT THERE IS ALWAYS A BUT AND HERE IT IS!

As I was reading up on the ear and eye, my books and stationery messily organized [oxymoron!] all around me, I felt a weird sense of satisfaction, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.

I started to feel a deep affection for every. single. one. of my medical books. I loved Marieb [the book la, haiyo.]. I loved Netter’s [ditto]. I loved my Oxford Concise Medical Dictionary [Dorland’s was too far away -_-]. I loved my [kind of] pointless past year question book. I actually loved Nilesh Kumar’s notes.

NILESHKUMARLEH. DO YOU KNOWHOW SERIOUS THISIS!?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much love for inanimate objects before.

Not even with my lovelylovelylovelylovely w810i. Not even with my supersuper retrobutstillveryverycool ipod. Not even with my laptop whichwillALWAYSALWAYSALWAYSbebetterthanyoursnomatterwhatyousay. Not even with my supersupercool Olympus m800.

And those things are my LIFE – materialized.

I am happy that I was [still am?] the pushover that I was then.

‘Cos if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t ever have known the feeling of doing something I genuinely love.

Not ever.

They say many wrongs don’t make a right.

In my case, one of the biggest mistakes I would have made in my life turn out juuuust right. ;)

0356 hrs