Can you keep a secret?

I think I’ve used this as an entry title before.

Except that I actually mean it this time.

Everything I’ve been trying to hide
Some of the things I’ve been trying to keep in my closet

Exposed.

Like how a patient when a genital defect is exposed in front of a room full of medical students. Not even doctors, not even interns.

I don’t mind you reading my writing. I just don’t want you using those secrets against me and poking your noses into matters that obviously do not concern you.

Can you keep a secret?

I hope you can.

1. M1/07 juniors, beware! I am currently feeling very evil and I shall have no qualms in ragging the crap out of you! Although I doubt the evilness will last for 3 months.
2. This is very unethical. I should not be dumping my emotional trash on wide-eyed, innocent, uncorrupted, snotty-nosed juniors who do not know better.
3. I like the smell of mosquito coil smoke.
4. I like the samosas from Sri Paandi near my house.
5. I need to play the piano more. By some miracle, my sight reading has improved!
6. I think I am suffering from med school burnout.
7. Summative in 4 weeks!
8. Stress turns people into ugly people.
9. Unfulfilled expectations = stress.
10. Who am I to impose expectations on other people?
11. Crap murals! Crap murals!
12. I have a sudden urging for books. ANY kind of books. Not medical books. I want to bask in the glow that comes with the possession of new books. I want to tear the plastic wrapping that wraps new books. This means I have a craving for books from Kinokuniya!
13. Everything’s been going haywire. I am left a stammering, incoherent mess.
14. Seriously. I walk around in a daze and nothing seems to leave a lasting impression on me anymore.
15. Aiyah. I’ve been like this for so long nobody really thinks that anything is wrong anymore.
16. I hear voices. Hahahahahaha, okay la. I don’t. I was just being dramatic. Technically I DO hear voices – when people talk. Otherwise I would be deaf.
17. I can communicate in sign language, although it would probably take me 15 minutes just to sign this sentence, alphabet by alphabet. Ooh, sign language class on Monday! I hope the teacher’s mother is feeling better now!
18. Got craving for 黑芝麻汤圆 [translation: glutinous rice balls with black sesame filling in sweet ginger soup]… again. Hahah!
19. I am out of my comfort zone now, feeling very disoriented!! Meeting people I would have stayed away from in normal circumstances, doing things I never thought I’d have done, having things that I would have never imagined done to me [this sounds VERY wrong, I know, but it's not la. Haiyo.], seeing, hearing, THINKING things that are new.
20. Where exactly am I? [In a metaphorical way. I know that I am currently in Petaling Jaya, thank you very much. *rolls eyes*]
21. I realise that I’ve been trusting people left, right and centre again. *hand to forehead* Aiyooo, when will I ever learn?
22. I rather like Mervin’s new name for the Amigoo club – Amigret. Wahaha! If they put me in charge of the recruitment drive again the next semester, this is going to happen: “Join the Amigret club, where your seniors step all over you while asking you if you’re having a great time in IMU!” Okay la that sucked.
23. I don’t know what I’ll do without the people around me. I’d probably be stuck alone having to talk to people I have absolutely nothing to talk about with. [This happened during one of the choir practises, I was the only one of my group there. I had to make painful small talk with the Singaporean girls (although they are all very nice) and TRF's gang.]
24. I suck at making conversation, serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do they have classes in Being Socially Un-boring 101?
25. I hasten to clarify, though, that I AM NOT A BORING PERSON. Amen.
26. I love you all.

Solitude.

Used the stairs today.

Down seventeen floors.

Had the best company in years – my own.

I liked the wind.

Oh what I would give…

… for everything to be as simple as it used to be.

No acting, no pretence, no shrouding everything under words that try to mean nothing.

Saying anything that’s on my mind without fear of repercussion. Being in-your-face and being able to get away with it.

Telling You how I really feel.

Not needing to sugar coat everything that comes out from my mouth, childish bluntness.

Being amazed at oil floating on water. It’s magic! What’s density?

Loving somebody just because you want to, just because you can.

Stubbornly not wanting to learn from your mistakes because you believe that there is some good in everybody and they do not want to harm you intentionally, blissful ignorance.
Getting what you wished for the most because you were ignorant.

Giving in to my impulses, not thinking twice before every leap.

Not thinking about how it will be when I fall.

Being nice. Because I sincerely care for you, not because you have something I need.

Selfishness. Not wanting to give you the last piece of candy because there would be no more left for me. Pulling the plug on your loved one. Selfish. No?

As Ho Wai said, when did it all become about other people?

Denying yourself the freedom of feeling. Does it help? You still feel anyway.

It does things to you. No longer being able to find the words to say, not being able to express yourself. All the words you’ve been looking for, they’ve been carefully disassembled and pushed into the dustiest corners of the attic you call your heart.

I sit here, alone, trying to piece them back together.

Suffocating. Stifled emotions aren’t easy to swallow.

Deaf person screaming for help. People watching find it amusing because they don’t try to understand.

I’ve given up. Learned to stop Talking, listening more. No point yelling at a cow when it doesn’t understand what you’re trying to say.

I smile.

Because that is the last thing I feel like doing.

PS. Feel better, you. This too, shall pass.

The calm before the storm.

Something is going to happen.

I will be here.

Mr Choo’s Clams of Joy and other random stuff.

This is going to be a PICTURE entry because I have loads of pics in my w810i which I’ve been intending to post for quite some time…

[grumble grumble] Malas laaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ok la, I’m not going to edit the pics.

[ Taken at Miu Kai]

[ Taken at KFC, MidValley ]

[ Taken at O' Briens, The Curve. This piece of innocent-looking plastic harbours a dark secret. Ahaha. ]

[ ... remember now? *snicker* ]

Okay. Here’s another series of photos which displays the 无聊-ness [translation: nothing better to do-ness] of the people around me.Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesenting.

Ho Wai: Nah, I’m putting them up now -_-

Mr Choo’s Clams of Joy.

[This sounds like a dish that would be served in a typical, very chinese Chinese restaurant.]

The “clams” are actually made out of plastic straws la, as you will be able to see. Mr Choo has this habit of folding straws into clams everytime we go out to eat/we go to places where straws are available.

I suspect he calls them clams because he can’t make proper stars. :P

So anyway, our gang decided to take pictures of clams whenever they are folded and post them in blog entries so that the readers [you!] can guess where the clams were produced. [Now it sounds like Mr Choo actually gave birth to the clams. Haha!]

So here we go! I don’t know how I became the official clam photographer. The name “Clams of Joy” was coined today when we visited the Ti-Ratana charity home.

Yes, I very sweat also. -_-

There are quite a few clams and not really any distinguishing signs about the places where the photos were taken, so anybody correct me if I’m wrong okay! Highlight to read the answers.

[edit] Apparently Blogger won’t let me change my font colours so that they turn out black. I am lazy to go change anything anymore. So just pretend that the answers are in black…

… you can still highlight the words if you want to though. O.O

[ Answer: Ayamas, Carrefour, Sri Petaling. This is the pioneer Clam of Joy!]

[Answer: Ayamas, Carrefour, Sri Petaling. Literally clam soup.]


[Answer: KFC, MidValley. It's easy if you recognise the orange + yellow colour of the Cheesy BBQ Meltz box.]


[Answer: Miu Kai.]
[Answer: Cafeteria, IMU]


[Answer: Steven's Corner, OUG. I think it would've been more obvious if we had put it in a naan basket or something...]


[Answer: Some random kopitiam in Sri Petaling, taken after the Ti-Ratana visit. Mr Choo "stole" a handful of straws and proceeded to produce these clams]

[This is a half-assed colouring which I attempted while helping to organise a colouring competition at Ti-Ratana. The feet turned out rather good because I COLOURED THEM MYSELF. I coloured the wings too! Everything ELSE (i.e. certain parts of the body, the beak AND the purple outline) was somebody ELSE'S work. Haha! 黑青 (Read in Hokkien. Translation: Blue-black) penguin! :P]

[This really freaks me out. At first I thought I misread and the printing was actually PowDerpuff Girls, and they were just a parody of the Powerpuff Girls, but I was wrong. O.O]

Oh. One liner of the week [or until a better one comes along]:

“Excuse me, where are my nuts?”

Okay lah. That’s all for today. A lot of stuff is happening and I need to clear my head.

And it all ends… :)

1. I do not want to have to fight to be heard or noticed. It is pointless.
2. Many people actually mean a lot more to me than they think they do.
3. One should not make assumptions based on things they have read from a supposedly hidden source. Many things can change in 2 months.
4. I have realized that it is possible for one to completely erase at least 4 years of memories in just one day.
5. It’s not that nobody understands; nobody just bothers enough to care.
6. The easiest way to alienate somebody is to display exclusivity, which excludes the person being alienated, in front of him/her – in purpose.
7. Do not try to judge me based on things you hear from people who seem to know me. The only people who know me are either a few thousand miles away, or they only exist in my head. Jing is neither but that’s not the point.
8. If people do not understand the reasons behind your emotive behaviour, they will just assume that you are being dramatic and gently edge away.
9. Everybody is, at least, a closet hypocrite.
10. I need to watch season 3 of House MD.

* * *

Pillars. Let’s talk about pillars. I don’t have any pillars I rely on all the time. They tend to sway and shake. Then there’s this pillar which happens to be the biggest and strongest and oldest pillar of all time. I don’t really put any weight on it because I have temporary pillars and I do not want to wear that pillar down anymore. In a way, I’ve managed to stop being dependent on the pillar.One day, said pillar crumbles into dust. The building shakes and threatens to come crashing to the ground. Consequently, more weight has to be distributed among the other minor pillars, causing them to give way themselves.

Where does this leave the building?

Haha, and to think that I was imagining how things would be if my pillar were to retract itself that day at Steven’s when Ho Wai talked about this.

The sweet, sweet irony of life.

And yes, this [does Ben’s “spiralling down emo hell” gesture] does happen. :)

* * *

I am down with a sore throat and I have to interview a Simulated Patient tomorrow. On DVD.Why do we have to learn Communication Skills when I least feel like communicating with people?

[sickly smile, perky voice]
“Good morning! I am Michelle and I am a first year medical student at IMU. We’ve just been learning about communication skills and interviewing patients and I would like to put what I’ve learnt into practice. Do you mind me asking you a few questions?”

[being emphatic]
“Oh, that must have been very difficult for you. Have you tried talking to your husband/wife/mother/father about this?”

“That must hurt a lot, is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Have you done anything about the pain, are you taking any medication?”
“Have you noticed what makes the pain better? No? Okay, um, do you know what makes the pain worse, then?”

[being apologetic for having not graduated from med school yet]
“I’m really sorry but I can’t say anything about it because I am not the doctor… However, I will tell him about your concerns.”

[dealing with difficult patients]
“Sorry, sir, I know that you must be in great discomfort, but the doctor is busy now and answering my questions will help the doctor save some time when he is seeing you.”

How am I supposed to sound perky and happy and concerned and emphatic and reassuring when I sound like toad when I open my mouth and I have no desire of acting like a fully functional human when talking to other people?

I didn’t even speak for more than 5 minutes today. I wonder how long it will take for my vocal chords to succumb to disuse atrophy. Maybe if I’m lucky they’ll find a degenerate Broca’s centre when they autopsy me.

Why does a mini DVD cost RM 27? So what if It’s A Sony?

* * *

The drama queen in me wants me to snap and totally go loony so I can stop sending out mixed signals about how I feel.As P. Jambu said, people will choose to believe Non-verbal signs when what you’re saying [verbal] contradicts with your body language [non-verbal].

I am SAYING that all this is happening to me, but I am acting like a normal human being, THEREFORE nobody thinks that anything is happening.
I happened to read P. Jambu’s column (Q&A: Sex) in the January 2006 issue of Cleo. I didn’t think he would be writing for that column since most of the questions involve medical knowledge and he is not a doctor.

Anyhoo, nothing much to gush about. He sounds boring [in the column].

I need to remember to bring my lab coat tomorrow.
There was this once, quite some time ago, when I had this weird urge to stick my mechanical pencil into my ear.

I haven’t done it yet. I am quite glad that that phase has passed.

* * *

Disney music does wonders in making the world seem that much better.This might be overdue but: thanks Ben! :)

PS. Thanks to Yu Jeat also for helping me save RM 15 on the DVD! XD Imation rocks!

Thank you.

It’s been a very hard 4 days.

I want to thank everybody who’s been there for me and tried to cheer me up.

You guys rock.

I will make it through the rain. [damn corny -_-]

:)

By the way, you are such a…

pain in the anal region.

The diamond in the sewer.

I’ve got this lecturer who lectures on Behavioural Sciences.

The following are excerpts from his lectures:

If you want to give me a tie, give me one with elephants on them. I only wear elephant-printed ties. Guess what I call my tie collection? Elephant-tie-asis.

We had to train mice last time when I was doing psychology in the UK. I was the only black guy there and all the rest were whites. They were all given black lab rats. I was the only one with the white lab rat. They called their rats names like “John”, “Jack” etc etc. I took a red marker and drew a pottu on it. I called my rat Muniandi.

I suffered from a heart attack and the doctor gave me some beta-blockers. What are beta-blockers? Medicine which blocks beta-s. I hate doctors and beta-blockers. Why? Beta-blockers cause sexual dysfunction.

Oh. There was also this joke about this old Indian man coming out of Globe Silk Store with his hands full waiting for a mini bus, but I can’t type that out because there are some hand gestures involved. *snicker*

If only all my lecturers were like him…

His name is Mr Paul Jambunathan by the way. :D