Talked to my first psychiatry patient today.

I know how it’s like. I’ve never felt what you felt – and I’m sorry that you have to feel that way. I’ve never felt anything close to what you’ve been feeling but what I felt was enough to crush me and make me feel like going to sleep and not waking up again. What I felt was enough to make me want to destroy everything in my life and walk away from it all and to sit in a corner and cry.

I’ve never felt anything close to what you’ve been feeling.

I hope you get better.

(haha don’t worry Caca I AM OKLA hahahaha. :P)

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I am very sorry that I have come to the conclusion that I cannot write everything I want to write in this blog anymore (and it has nothing to do with you Caca, you’ve been really cool about this blog and thanks lots for your support heehee <3 :D) and that is very sad.

Now I can’t write about the main problem in my life because of aforementioned paragraph and this post no longer has any point.

Haha ok nevermind I try.

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It has been a very chaotic weekend and I learned something new every day. I learned of love and I learned of trust and I learned of betrayal and I learned of friendship and bonds that may be broken again and again but not forever. I learned of the hidden friend who has been there all the time and no matter what, I learned of the friend who becomes the star that no longer shines in my sky. I learned of the people I love and no longer love, and I learned of the people I wish I (never) stopped loving. I learned that you have no say in who you are, and that somebody will always have to say sorry for something they have not done wrong (like this: I am sorry that you have to help me pick at my old wounds and let them bleed so that I will come to my senses and not make the same mistakes again). I learned of the tears that come with misunderstanding and the dread of what lies in the future (based – wrongly – on experience), and I learned that screaming into your pillow, even if only for a short while, will leave you with a very sore throat. And that things should never be left to the last minute (HAHA), and that I am surprisingly capable of extreme productivity. HAHAHAHA. I learned that things really do turn out for the best, and that the best kind of friend is the kind that will step up to the occasion and challenge you to do something they know you can do, and not the kind who makes excuses for you.

It’s no wonder I was knackered when I came back to Cupar. HAHAHAHAHA.

(I’m laughing a little too much…)

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I talk of butterflies being crushed. I’d never have thought that I would ever end up being that butterfly.

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I just finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey yesterday (hey I rhymed!). I would say that I think that it should be made recommended reading for every student who is on their Psychiatry block. It has changed my perspective on a lot of things, and it has made me stop approaching patients with a metaphoric ten foot pole between them and me. You might think that you don’t do things like that, but I’ll tell you that you’re probably wrong.

(and the book isn’t a soppy feel good book that has a happy ending that warms your heart. It’s actually quite the opposite. One should try reading the part about him pulling off his toenail while having lunch. I am rather impressed that I managed to finish what was on my plate – albeit while feeling like throwing up – while reading it.)

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Am I happy that you’re happy? Not yet, but I know that I will be, one day. Because you, more than anybody, deserve to finally be truly happy.

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At least I have things to look forward to: THE LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE IN LESS THAN 4 WEEKS HOMGGGGGGGG  HEEEEHEHEHEEEEEE :D :D :D :D

And thennnnnnnnn K coming overrrrrrrrrr less than 4 weeks after THAT!!!! Aiyer I don’t care la we’re going to have our super overdue emotalk at some random place la. Or okla if you dowan to emotalk then I will just talk to myself and you can like drink coffee or do something else boring and stare into space HAHA.

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Have just started watching 30 Rock. And I think that JACK DONAGHY AND LIZ LEMON SO TOTALLY BELONG TOGETHER. :D but having said that, I think that Jack is quite sweet when he is with CC… :)

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ok i think i have said what i can say out of the things i actually want to say without really saying anything, and i should like go to sleep so i can maybe clerk another patient tomorrow morning… whee!

PS. hahaha thanks caca for your comment, am VERY flattered! :D and hello jing! i am very surprised that you still read my blog! :)

let me tell you a tale of the girl who bit off more than she could chew.

she decided to stop eating forever

and died.

(willingly)

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even the perpetually giving get tired of giving and need to take sometimes.

Dear Michelle,

Welcome back to the Real World. Again.

We hope that you are looking into applying for Permanent Residence this time, as we are very concerned for your welfare and are very aware of the toll commuting between the Real World and The One in Your Head is taking on your mental and emotional health.

We understand that certain… events have left you rather… unraveled but please trust us when we say with confidence that you will be Bouncing Back in no Time.

You might find the Real World slightly more abrasive than you would like and perhaps you’d like to take another long Vacation away from your true Home but we Strongly Advise against that as Running Away from the Real World never does anybody any Good. We have had Reports of certain people leaving against our Advice and we can assure you that there are no Happy Endings for these Absconders.

Having said that, we, however, cannot guarantee you a Happy Ending. These are very hard to come by and are practically unheard of now. However, if you do strike the Lottery of Happy Endings, you can be sure that the Happy Ending that you get is Real and Tangible and does not only exist as a Figment of your Imagination.

Wouldn’t you Want that?

On a more Serious note, we would also like your Attention regarding certain… Matters that have to be Settled. There is one thing that we would like to say to you in this Letter today and this is it:

You happen to be a Sucker who was at the Wrong Place at a Wrong Time and although none of this is really your Fault, you are still a Sucker. You are the Sucker who has the short end of the Stick and we are Sorry but you are now here to redeem your Prize. The metaphoric Medal of Suckerdom.

Feel free to drop by for the collection of your Medal.

The Documents required for the application for Permanent Residence may also be collected at the same time.

Thank you for your Time and Cooperation.

As they say in colloquial English, ” So long, Sucka!”

Yours sincerely
The Real World

PS. We hope that Medical School is treating you well. It’s the only thing about you that doesn’t seem to Suck.

I have just had my first day of (non-) Psychiatry and I already have much more to say about it than I have about my previous blocks.

I don’t even know where to start!

Woke up at 0630 hrs today. Arrived at TheHospital (am not mentioning which one HAHA – and no it’s not NW, duh.) at about 0845 hrs. Sat in the doctors’ office

no. this will not do.

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I don’t know what to feel. It has been exciting, intimidating, intriguing, interesting, frustrating and confusing, all at once.

(although i seemed to have had a longer list in my head earlier on when i was sorta drafting this post)

imagine this. you are “let loose” (haha) in an oldschool mental hospital (the kind which is sprawled over a very big compound, has different wards in different buildings, and has quite a few old buildings which are scheduled for demolition) with close to (this was supposed to be struck out, the net is so slow i cannot even edit my post properly) no knowledge of psychiatry whatsoever, and with no clue of what you’re supposed to be doing or where you’re supposed to be. you are in a foreign town and there are no familiar faces around. you do not have the alarm that your previous friends who underwent their psychiatry blocks were given before they officially started their posting. You have no car, and you have to walk to the main block from your grotty little cottage which is located literally at the edge of the hospital grounds. You don’t know if the man standing by the street smoking a cigarette while staring at you walk past is a patient, and you feel exposed.

Now i sound like i’m whining. -_-

Scratch all that.

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I have met two psychiatrists so far, and they have very… distinct personalities. :D

I think that i will fit in very well if i were to end up being a psychiatrist somewhere in the not so near future.

Although the rest of my batch in medical school will probably end up scoffing at me behind my back and saying things like “hahah i knew she would end up being a psychiatrist, she was horribly weird to begin with anyway, LOL”

But whatever la i suppose. If it were to come to a tradeoff between having the “respect” and “recognition” of my peers and doing what makes me happy i’d choose the latter.

Surprising, because i’ve always been the kind who quite bothered what other people thought of me to begin with. I guess one grows out of it as soon as one is plucked out from one’s comfort zone and put into a totally alien territory where people think you’re weird just because you weren’t born and bred there.

I don’t know. Here i am thinking of becoming a psychiatrist because i can be myself and still be accepted as “normal” (HAHA HOW IRONIC), but i may not necessarily like the work psychiatrists do. But it was very interesting listening to the types of patients that are on the wards…

I guess i’ll know better after going for a ward round tomorrow afternoon. These ward rounds are apparently supposed to last for 2-3 hours. Glee! :D

Maybe i DID know what i was doing when i decided to base my fourth year project on psychiatry. HAHA.

Things DO happen for a reason. HAHA.

-_-

Ok as you can see i have lost my interest in writing this post.

SEE YOU SOON

babai

ps. btw a short note to all the future medical personnel who are already secretly snubbing me in your snobbish and elitist manner (but i suppose you’d take that as a compliment – i know i would lol -_-): i hope you have fun being a dead fish without a personality in whatever specialty you’re thinking of pursuing.

pps. ok that was a bit to presumptuous on my part. ok whatever.

that there are two people (who are not family) who can practically do no wrong.

we also regret to inform you that you are one of them.

-_-

My Milk Toof: so cute you’ll just spontaneously combust. :D

<3

i am still wary. somewhat.

things seem like they are normal. somewhat.

this the question at the back of my mind  -

are there walls involved this time round?

(because if they are i’d like to know please, and i’d like to stop playing immediately)

I guess it all boils down to how much certain things matter.

I actually think that there is a quota for things like these, it’s sorta like how the (for the lack of a better word) “friendship” you’ve accumulated over the period of time you’ve been friends becomes an emergency reserve – a buffer, if you will, for all the rough patches. Friends don’t just stop being friends anymore every time an argument pops up because you end up dipping into the friendship “fund” and sustaining what’s left of the friendship (at that moment) with what’s available.

One day that fund is going to run empty…

… and you’re going to feel that you just cannot go on anymore, and this is when you start saying your goodbyes.

well okla i suppose you can still try to run on an empty tank. but it’s not going to be a joyride.

those are the ones that suck you dry and leave you feeling drained and sien and dreadful.

(these are the friendships i maintain out of courtesy and paisehness more than anything else, and i’ve just about had enough -_-)

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anyway k and i are talking again, so yay?

HAHA.

(i’m not typing anymore cos he reads here pfft :P)

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okla i dowan emo liao.

i think that i will be slightly more coherent today because i have been attempting to fill my logbook up and i have been typing a lot. haha.

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i was in theatre today (haha – i remember thinking that i would probably never have a chance to step into theatre when i was presented with many missed opportunities back in pre-clinical school. now i am in theatres so often it has lost every single bit of its novelty.) and this greek registrar in otorhinolaryngology (the pseudocheem name for ENT la actually HAHAHAH) was talking to me and asking me what I wanted to do next time.

i gave him the default medical student answer: “i’m not really sure yet, i haven’t seen enough to decide, small laugh”. it’s a very convenient answer because it is (somewhat) plausible and you don’t have to think twice before saying it because it is also very diplomatic (you don’t have to end up feeling embarrassed and “rude” and snobbish and try to be apologetically defensive on your listener’s behalf when you say this, as opposed to, say, telling an orthopod that you actually want to be a brain surgeon. HAHA) and non-committal. most senior doctors/surgeons will actually accept your answer and nod agreeingly while telling you that yes, it is actually too early for you to have an opinion and don’t worry because there will be a lot of time for you to make up your mind and he didn’t know that he wanted to be an ophthalmologist (for example) until he did ophthalmology while training to be a GP.

however, i have, on two seperate occassions, bumped into registrars and consultants who tell me that it is actually already too late (not as in literally too late la, if you get what i mean) and that i should actually know by now what i want to do in the future so that i can start working my way towards it and start making roads and connections and all that. which is true la i suppose…… .. .. . . .

and then back to me being in the theatre. i was thinking that things would actually be quite easy if i were a nursing student because then i knew that my goal in my nursing career would be to end up as a scrub nurse because i love doing what scrub nurses do and i love the level of neuroticism involved in making sure my instrument tray stays well-organised and that all the cotton balls and swabs are accounted for (i blogged about this before but i am too lazy to put up a link to that entry, maybe another day HAHA) etc etc etc

but unfortunately things aren’t that clear cut in reality.

medicine or surgery?

okla. medicine. but i am not as vehemently NOOOOOOOOOO NOT SURGERY, NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! as i was before. which is good.

what specialty?

i don’t know. -_- haha okla i kinda kid. these are the specialties i know for sure i am not going into (so far): oncology, rheumatology, urology and ENT.

however, that leaves me with infectious diseases, neurology, neurosurgery, orthopaedics, anaesthetics, A&E and ophthalmology, and i am rather fond of all of them.

DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM!?

but okla. i suppose if i were to “cut the crap” and were forced to really make a stand i would narrow my choices down to… neurology and ophthalmology.

and i was very O_O when i came to this conclusion because never have i expected that i would end up liking these two specialties the most so far.

ok end of career talk. i am getting bored. HAHA.

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the moon was full four days ago. why is it half full now?

so weird -_-

(haha do you see how two words and three punctuation marks can make a question not sound like a stupid dramatic pseudocheem emo question?)

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my patience is being tested and worn down daily. i am going to implode soon. i cannot be a rock and a decision-maker forever and you are very infectious.

sigh.

-_-

(again, the power of three punctuation marks)

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let me tell you la ok. it is still quite painful la. in fact it is actually more painful now than it was before.

(not talking about my swine flu jab, it is less painful now that compared to when i first got it hahahah i am so funny. -_-)

i don’t know why also.

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i am on a quest to stop sounding perpetually emo because it is DAMN annoying when i reread my past entries. i think when i am being emo for the world to see i end up overdoing it and i end up writing very disgustingly emo things which i will end up horrifyingly embarrassed to read in the near and distant future.

therefore i shall disguise my emoness with crappy grammar and lame attempts at humour and lots of these —> -_-

… and colons and capital Ds.

:D

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loop.

I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do

I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I’m alive and well will you be there holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head
If not for me then you’d be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I’m alive and well will you be there holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite

- Kryptonite, 3 Doors Down

As I lay in bed last night

I told the ceiling what I should have told you a long time ago.

(Four? Really?)