i think that i will be slightly more coherent today because i have been attempting to fill my logbook up and i have been typing a lot. haha.

-

i was in theatre today (haha – i remember thinking that i would probably never have a chance to step into theatre when i was presented with many missed opportunities back in pre-clinical school. now i am in theatres so often it has lost every single bit of its novelty.) and this greek registrar in otorhinolaryngology (the pseudocheem name for ENT la actually HAHAHAH) was talking to me and asking me what I wanted to do next time.

i gave him the default medical student answer: “i’m not really sure yet, i haven’t seen enough to decide, small laugh”. it’s a very convenient answer because it is (somewhat) plausible and you don’t have to think twice before saying it because it is also very diplomatic (you don’t have to end up feeling embarrassed and “rude” and snobbish and try to be apologetically defensive on your listener’s behalf when you say this, as opposed to, say, telling an orthopod that you actually want to be a brain surgeon. HAHA) and non-committal. most senior doctors/surgeons will actually accept your answer and nod agreeingly while telling you that yes, it is actually too early for you to have an opinion and don’t worry because there will be a lot of time for you to make up your mind and he didn’t know that he wanted to be an ophthalmologist (for example) until he did ophthalmology while training to be a GP.

however, i have, on two seperate occassions, bumped into registrars and consultants who tell me that it is actually already too late (not as in literally too late la, if you get what i mean) and that i should actually know by now what i want to do in the future so that i can start working my way towards it and start making roads and connections and all that. which is true la i suppose…… .. .. . . .

and then back to me being in the theatre. i was thinking that things would actually be quite easy if i were a nursing student because then i knew that my goal in my nursing career would be to end up as a scrub nurse because i love doing what scrub nurses do and i love the level of neuroticism involved in making sure my instrument tray stays well-organised and that all the cotton balls and swabs are accounted for (i blogged about this before but i am too lazy to put up a link to that entry, maybe another day HAHA) etc etc etc

but unfortunately things aren’t that clear cut in reality.

medicine or surgery?

okla. medicine. but i am not as vehemently NOOOOOOOOOO NOT SURGERY, NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! as i was before. which is good.

what specialty?

i don’t know. -_- haha okla i kinda kid. these are the specialties i know for sure i am not going into (so far): oncology, rheumatology, urology and ENT.

however, that leaves me with infectious diseases, neurology, neurosurgery, orthopaedics, anaesthetics, A&E and ophthalmology, and i am rather fond of all of them.

DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM!?

but okla. i suppose if i were to “cut the crap” and were forced to really make a stand i would narrow my choices down to… neurology and ophthalmology.

and i was very O_O when i came to this conclusion because never have i expected that i would end up liking these two specialties the most so far.

ok end of career talk. i am getting bored. HAHA.

-

the moon was full four days ago. why is it half full now?

so weird -_-

(haha do you see how two words and three punctuation marks can make a question not sound like a stupid dramatic pseudocheem emo question?)

-

my patience is being tested and worn down daily. i am going to implode soon. i cannot be a rock and a decision-maker forever and you are very infectious.

sigh.

-_-

(again, the power of three punctuation marks)

-

let me tell you la ok. it is still quite painful la. in fact it is actually more painful now than it was before.

(not talking about my swine flu jab, it is less painful now that compared to when i first got it hahahah i am so funny. -_-)

i don’t know why also.

-

i am on a quest to stop sounding perpetually emo because it is DAMN annoying when i reread my past entries. i think when i am being emo for the world to see i end up overdoing it and i end up writing very disgustingly emo things which i will end up horrifyingly embarrassed to read in the near and distant future.

therefore i shall disguise my emoness with crappy grammar and lame attempts at humour and lots of these —> -_-

… and colons and capital Ds.

:D

-

loop.

I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do

I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I’m alive and well will you be there holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head
If not for me then you’d be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I’m alive and well will you be there holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might
Kryptonite

- Kryptonite, 3 Doors Down

As I lay in bed last night

I told the ceiling what I should have told you a long time ago.

(Four? Really?)

This is going to be a whiny post and you have been given the option of wanting to read further.

(edit: I did not do this in the end because I did not end up really whining, lol)

(not that any of you who would be bothered by whiny posts would actually navigate away from this blog anyway, all you’d do is just to click “read more” and then bitch about how whiny I am to your friends. I don’t blame you. It’s what I would do anyway. HAHA.)

Aiyah now I no mood to whine liao -_-

I shall just be cryptic. HEHEHEHEH maniacal laugh.

I learnt today that things are often not as they seem, because there are some of us who like to dramatise things. The moral of the story is that we should always listen to all sides involved.

I learnt that, and I learnt that self-delusion is a very dangerous thing. Well – it isn’t dangerous until somebody pricks your bubble and you find out that what you’ve always thought was the truth is actually a lie.

(I am talking about this very candidly because of course I am not talking about myself. HAHA. Omg why am I so bitchy today?)

(I feel like gossip girl)

(eww.)

However I suppose I am happy for the people involved because I can foresee that this is a very stable bubble which won’t be popped in the near future… or ever, because things are working out for everyone.

Aiyah sien lah. Everybody should be subjected to the harsh cruelty of the truth now and again. It isn’t fair that some people get to live blissfully in their little fogs of delusion perpetually while the rest of us are left struggling and getting to grips with the real world.

Haha oklah I was just being bitter and I know that life is never fair, even when it is being unfair in my favour, lol. Actually nolah. I was just saying that for the sake of saying it because I thought it would sound cool.

Oh no what has this blog become. -_-

Anyway I am rambling because I am trying to avoid typing what I think I am about to type.

(this is not what I was going to type, by the way, I just found more things to distract myself with)

DID YOU KNOW THAT GRAND THEFT AUTO AND THE LEMMINGS WERE DEVELOPED IN DUNDEE!? I think that that is uber cool. FURTHERMORE, look at what I found on Wikipedia! This is about one of the gangs when there were gangs in GTA. Haha okla I don’t play la, Merv say now no more gangs wan

Loonies (symbol: winking smiley face) – They appear in the first area and they are quite crazy. Their gang car, the Dementia, is a green microcar with their mark painted on top and is probably named after their apparent insanity. Their small section of turf is in the vicinity of the city’s mental institution, named “SunnySide” after the Mental Institution in Montrose, Scotland, near Dundee, where the game was originally created. Their boss is Elmo. Elmo refers to the player as ‘Jumbo’. They use surgical green as their gang color.

HOW COOL IS THAT?! Hahah ok i’ll stop ‘cos i think i am starting to sound like the person sweeleen finds infinitely annoying. HAHAHAHA. Ahem. But really la! SunnySide hospital! Dementia! Surgical green!? Now i wanna play GTA2! Hahahaahahah.

-

Ok no more hohumming because i am going to sleep.

…

…

I have decided that i no longer want to give you (you as in somebody specific la, not the general public) the satisfaction of reading what I wanted to say. Can you sense the internal scuffle that is going on between the two halves of my psyche? I am fighting the urge so hard that I think that I am currently dissociated from my mind and I now no longer have control over what I am typing.

Part of me is thinking that this blog would be solid proof of my slow progression towards schizophrenia and mental unstability in general. I don’t like what is happening. This has been happening since I wrote that post being all catty over the grammatically incorrect english that belongs to other people.

Aiyah what you are reading is just a two-dimensional cardboard cutout of what is really going through my mind. Just be glad you aren’t here to witness my unwinding, like seriously.

Maybe it’s the full moon.

Maybe.

Good night.

PS. Happy Guy Fawkes’ Day everybody!

I shouldn’t be allowing this to happen.

-

My left arm was perfectly fine until juuuuuuuuuuust after the idea of sleeping came to my mind. It then started hurting and I couldn’t really sleep…

… which is actually a normal thing because most people would consider uninterrupted sleep quality sleep. What I now consider quality sleep is waking up in the middle of the night (because I will wake up once in the middle of the night, without fail, every day) and seeing that it is only 2 or 3 am and going back to sleep knowing that I still have a good 4 to 5 hours more of sleep. What actually happens is that I wake up at 5.14 am and go back to sleep slightly disappointed because I woke up too “late”. This has progressed to me semi-willing myself to wake up at 2 – 3 am every night before I go to sleep.

But not the point.

As of now, here are the list of symptoms I have newly acquired: sacroiliac joint pain, shooting neck pain and feverishness (because I don’t actually think that I have a fever).

-

I was thinking of adding “empty trains” to my lists of interests in Facebook, but then I ended up thinking that everybody likes empty trains anyway.

-

So I was sitting at my table which oversees an empty train platform (it is quite a poetic sight, i can so imagine a scene from a movie being shot from where i am now)

some things just can’t be captured on film.

i am letting myself slide, because everybody deserves to be cut some slack now and again.

-

aiyah no mood liao la.

bye.

I think I was in the seminar room of ward 8 of the hospital the locals affectionately call The Vic (heh, irony at its best) when I realised that this blog is probably the only evidence of my existence.

(and my facebook account la, hahahah but that’s kinda irrelevant because I don’t post long entries ranting about other people’s English or be annoyingly cryptic there)

This blog is my little shoutout to the entire universe that says “OI I AM ALIVE AND I EXIST AND I AM ME AND I HAVE A PLACE IN THIS WORLD”

And then I got into a mini panic attack and I was filled with desperation to blog, because I felt at that time that if I didn’t blog I would cease to exist

(okla actually it wasn’t that dramatic – I didn’t have a panic attack, and I wasn’t exactly desperate to blog, it was more of a “sigh I think I should blog lo, if not I think the world will think I totally don’t exist liao…” thing. HAHA.)

(should I be blogging in queen’s English?)

(aih dowan la not for this entry)

(okla maybe later on in this entry)

But seriously la. Everybody my world used to revolve around is now very busy with their own lives in respective clinical schools and we don’t talk as much as we did before we left IMU. Most of them stop blogging and are unreachable by SMS and MSN and email and skype and facebook. It gets quite frustrating lah.

And lonely.

(and actually I have given up trying liao)

But oh well. You get used to it, and you get into the groove of doing your own thing alone and finding peace within yourself and all that stuff you find in new age self-help books and you start to realise that things aren’t that bad, and that there aren’t any bridges that you can’t cross when you come to them (mostly because you have no choice) and that everything will be alright in the end and you didn’t actually need anybody to tell you that to begin with because believing in it yourself give that statement so much more conviction (although of course it would be nice to have some confirmation now and again, lol)

Eh sorry sudah terpesong.

So what I meant to say is that I realised that this blog is my stamp on the fabric of time and space and I should be blogging more.

Got the swine flu vaccine today. I AM IMMUNE TO INFLUENZA A H1N1. I would like to elaborate more about the conditions under which I got the vaccine but I think I should not in the interest of professionalism. The most widely used word in IMU. Hahahaha. Apparently I should be feeling some kind of a local reaction and my injected arm should be so sore that my sleep should be disrupted tonight. Not that I got any sleep last night anyway. Argh. BUT. I am glad to report that aside from a niggling ache and slight weakness and numbness indistinguishable from normal muscle fatigue, I don’t think I’ll be losing any sleep tonight! :D

Moved from Dunfermline to Kirkcaldy, which is like moving from Seremban to Melaka. HAHAHAHA. I can’t be bothered to blog about my experiences in Dunfermline but all I can say is that I now appreciate the small things people take for granted so much more now. Like having close to instant access to the railway station and an aldi. And having somebody familiar around (nah huiling see I mention you samore – if you’re reading this, that is HAHA). And I think I am now quite geng in taking public transport la. Most of my KC friends would be so surprised/impressed. HAHA.

Somebody should invent a machine that can type out the thoughts in your mind as you are thinking them. It would be a much more efficient way of getting things done (especially blogging) and the words that come out would be more true to your emotions because they don’t have to be watered down and smoked out by the fog that is the lag time between the thoughts leaving your brain and being transmitted down to your fingers and then it being typed out. I guess I’m lucky I touch type. I think I’d just explode if I were to type with two fingers only. :P

Homg I’m rambling. See if I had that machine you’d be reading a very poignant and well-versed entry. Aih. HAHAHAHA.

I think I am getting slightly annoyed at the way I have ended up blogging as of late. I am starting to sound… contrived again. I guess it is hard/close to impossible to tell the world how you feel about certain things when you’re not actually feeling at all. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s a convenient thing. When you don’t feel strongly about anything, you don’t feel strongly about anything – and that’s the battle half won.  I don’t necessarily like what I am (not) feeling, nor this is the place I want to be. However, this is the place I should be. I am tired of being so destructive. I am also very tired of being bravely optimistic. I am also very tired of hoping and analysing and faith.

This is the most stable I’ve been since the 6th of July, 2009.

This is also the most un-Michelle I have ever been in my entire life.

(haha okla the last time didn’t have as much of an impact as I thought it would have. But I mean it.)

OKAY.

Today was also quite crap la ‘cos got other random shitty things happening BUT NOTHING TOO MAJOR SO ALL IS GOOD.

Aih I don’t even know why I bother writing anymore. Not that anybody still reads -_-

Anyway here’s the thought of the day:

I find it very amusing that my taste in movies has degenerated from super cheem-brainpower-consuming movies to retarded movies like Meet Dave and National Treasure. I don’t even want to remotely use my brain when I’m out of the hospital. Which is not very good. I suspect I have stopped reading non-textbooks because my brain will go into hyperdrive

Having said that, I finally finished my first ever non-textbook in aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages!

Trust me, I’m A (junior) Doctor by Max Pemberton. See cannot escape from medicine also. But it was a good read, heheh.

Am now attempting to finish A Million Little Pieces by James Frey before finishing The Alchemaster’s Apprentice by Walter Moers. This would be unacceptable under normal circumstances (I would have NEVER allowed myself to be distracted from the words of Moers) but I don’t know – the Alchemaster doesn’t seem to have as much charm as Bluebear or the Dreaming Books so far. But I’m barely a tenth in so I wouldn’t really know.

Yay I have now officially lost the ability to write coherently in non-medical english.

(I slept at 3 am this morning after finishing my report and I am still feeling light-headed.)

I need to go to sleep now because I have a lot of things to do tomorrow.

I cannot believe the crap that is appearing on my screen after me randomly hammering on the keyboard.

omg michelle please stop typing what you are attempting to write is atrocious

please stop your sentences don’t make any sense and you are as boring as fishsticks.

no. seriously. please stop.

ok i shall stop arguing with myself on my blog which nobody reads anymore.

happy halloween people. or the 46 minutes that’s left of it anyway.

gnite.

edit: omg i cannot tahan. i just realised – do you know who i sounded like in the entry?! DO YOU?! i sound like one of those people who can’t even type in grammatically decent basic english but yet want to use long intimidating words they don’t really know the meaning to. like, you need to stop hiding your grammatically unacceptable english behind thesauruses (thesauri?) ? you know – truly great writers are not the ones who “bully” their readers into appreciation of their language by using big words nobody understands, what you’ll get is only a disillusioned public who has no real understanding of your work. the truly great ones are the ones who touch the world (hahaha omg how cheesy can i get) with simple words which nobody can hide behind. ok i need to stop being so repetitive with my metaphors and shit.

I NEED SLEEP LAH GOOD NIGHT.

sorry. one last bone to pick. sorry feeling quite bitchy today.

if you don’t really know the language, don’t attempt to manipulate it like you’re a bloody wordsmith. you think you’re sounding cryptic and mysterious and poetic but you’re not. you’re sounding like a wannabe and people who know the language better think that you’re a pretentious poser. and yes i do have one or two blogs in mind. please don’t abuse the language by disrespecting it and misrepresenting it.

(btw i don’t like using big words unless i really have to. and when i do, i make sure that i know what i’m talking about.)

ok  gnite for real.

(and i don’t have anything against people whose first language is not english – i am not that bitchy – but i do have a rather big thing against people who try to fly before they can walk and look down on other people for trying to learn how to run from walking, and i don’t criticise bad english unless you give me a very good reason to. it’s just. gah. i don’t know why people want to befuddle – ooh look big word – other people with obviously misplaced flamboyant language when simple sentence structure and vocabulary do a much better job.)

sa;kfdjaoiwrjginbjwenfueirnguiornghuownfjwklnfljkadfnvoaiwer

end

PS. i am pretty sure i was supposed to blog about ophthalmology being uber cool and interesting and my revelations with using an ophthalmoscope and slit lamp properly for the first time in my life and seeing my first ever optic disc and retinal laser burns but i am drained. -_-

(this is never going to end, is it. OHNOES IT’S THE CURSE OF THE WORDPRESS CREATE NEW POST WINDOW AAAAAHHHHHHH SAAAAAVVVVEEEEEEEEE MMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)

-_-

PPS. It has, however, occured to me that I will probably have to shut down this blog (or something like that) someday. the only question is when. lalalalalala.

as you can see i am now showing signs of mania. if i don’t stop now i will never stop and i will only continue typing at a more frenzied pace. now i am being conscious of my diction and this is making me use big words. does that make me a hypocrite? i guess it does. heeheeheeeheeheee. i am a hypocrite heheheeeehehehehe.

…

heheeheeeeeheehehehheeeeeehheeehhehe.

picture of me smiling maniacally and gleefully while holding up my copy of The Alchemaster’s Apprentice by Walter Moers and birthday present from Goblok. HEHEHEH. :D TANKEW GOBLOK!

I have been planning this picture for the better half of the week but I am too drained to actually take it and upload it. -_-

Came back from my outblock in this rather ulu place called Dunfermline, where I have almost no form of human contact whatsoever, just to have dinner and to say goodbye to my housemates who are going down to Nottingham for the Nottingham Games. While I am stuck in Dundee, home alone, chained to my laptop and Microsoft Word.

-

I have slaved at my case report for the past five hours.

I have foregone the Nottingham Games to stay back in Dundee to finish and print my stupid case report.

My printer has managed to print 2 pages. Out of the 5.

My printer has continued misprinting at least 7 other sheets of paper and has now seemed to stop working.

I am typing all of this out in a very calm and controlled manner because if I don’t try to stay calm I will start inflicting grevious harm upon my stupid canon mp 210.

I am –> – <– this close to literally banging on my keyboard in a manic and violent manner.

I need sleep.

I don’t want to be home alone.

I want to be in Nottingham.

I don’t want to go back to Dunfermline and be isolated.

Insert choice expletive.

1. light (our lights aren’t working on the second floor – my room is being illuminated by the redpinkandbeige light balls ben got for me from thailand)
2. a good proper thunderstorm with humid weather (HAHA – but just for one night)
3. world peace

HAHAHAHAH. world peace!

-

Thank all the goodness in the universe for two back-to-back outblocks, and California straight after. :D

(because there are some things that I would like the whole world to know, haha)

I do not like being manipulated, so please stop doing it.

I do not know what anybody wants, so I am not going to do or say anything.

It took me a lot of effort and mental strength to get this far, so please do not make things harder for me.

A little birdie told me that all my friends are crap (or so I was led to believe – I’m not really sure about this, am not really good at conversing with birds), among many other unsettling things.

I am getting sick of listening to broken records of cheesy dramas.

Things aren’t that complicated, really

and

I have given up thinking and I think you should too.